My best friend and her beau was there also, walking with us. When we stopped we just stood there and talked about random things. First we were holding hands and then he would move closer and put his arm around me on the small of my back. He would make a joke towards me that would make everyone laugh. It never bothered me that he'd make fun of me. I like it when a guy picks on me, because it makes me laugh... and for some reason in this messed up world, when someone picks on you it means that they like you. I'll never understand that, but I love it. When I'd make a face at him for making fun of me he'd say, "just kidding, baby", laugh, and kiss me on the cheek.
Every guy that I have ever been with I say that it's always different, that this one could really be the one... that he makes me feel things I've never known before. Looking back on all that, I realize it was only different because I wanted it to be. I made myself feel these things for these guys that treated me badly. That used me, promised me things, and then left me. Never once have I felt safe. He promised that he wasn't like all the other guys, and I didn't want to trust him. I didn't want to believe him. I was happy in my own world, with my dating fast, believing that all guys were the same, and I would grow up and just be the cool aunt that never got married or had children. I have always had this feeling that, that is my destiny. Because, every time I have gotten in a "relationship" -I use that word lightly- something has happened. He has hurt me, used me, lied to me, cheated on me. Something has happened. Something has left me scarred and added another brick to my wall.
He promised me he'd never leave unless it's something I did to make him leave. He gave me hope that I could have something real, that everything I ever wanted wasn't just in my dreams... it could really become mine. To have and to hold. Chiseling away at my brick wall. One brick at a time...
While we stood there, in the grassy area.. it was so cold. Somehow we split off into couples.. my best friend and her beau.. then me and my soon-to-be-but-didn't-know-it-at-the-time beau. We just stood there and talked on and on about ridiculous nonchalant things that I can't even remember now.
As we stood there, he had his hands around my waist and I had my arms around his neck. I wouldn't look at him, because I was nervous. I have talked to a lot of guys but none of them have ever came to see me, none of them have ever really liked me and I knew for a fact that I had never had feelings like this before. I didn't want to look at him, because I knew I'd end up kissing him, and although I had kissed guys before, I didn't want to mess up. I didn't want to have to look him in the eyes... because I knew as soon as I did that he would be able to see into my soul and know my darkest secrets.
It came to my mind that earlier in the night I had made a mental note to look at his eyes. I knew what color they were and he had told me they were so dark they matched the pupil. I was still scared to look at him, because I didn't want him to see how happy I was, or the twinkle in my eye, I didn't want him to know that he had a hold on me the way he did. However, I couldn't take it. I had to look at him and he was right, his eyes were so dark brown they almost matched the pupil. I have always loved blue eyes and for some reason I was so shallow that if a guy didn't have blue eyes I wasn't even interested. But, I fell in love with his eyes. They were childlike when I looked into them, the thought of him being a kid ran through my mind and it made me smile. He asked what I was smiling at and I just said, "you." I kept looking into them and they weren't only childlike, they had a sparkle in them... a happiness, that made me fall even more. His eyes held a lot of emotion.
Looking into his eyes, seeing his smile, and feeling his arms around me, I was scared to even think the emotion that I had wanted to feel for so long. I was scared to let the word go across my mind. To let it out, to be this happy and to fall that fast.
"the way he held me, I knew that this could be... what I've been waiting to find."
The word went across my mind and etched itself into my memory, as scared as I was... I was going to step out, because fear would get you no where. I let the word pass again, and I leaned into him and he hugged me tighter, and it made the word come more alive in my head and a peace went through me, that I'd never felt before...
I felt safe.
No comments:
Post a Comment