For Forever

Feeling safe was and is such a foreign feeling to me. I didn't know how to react to it. It was all just so peaceful and I wanted to just give in to everything and not be scared of anything. I was scared that any moment, like all the times before, it would all be stripped away from me. Something was going to happen and he was going to leave.

Ever since I was around the age of fourteen or fifteen, I have had an obsessive compulsive disorder. Ever since I had met him it was worse than it ever was before. That fear of something going wrong and it all being took away overwhelmed, and everything had to be perfect.

I pulled away from him, and look up at him. He just looked at me and said "what?" I replied, "nothing" and smiled. His eyes twinkled and he gave me an Eskimo kiss. When he had first leaned in to rub our noses together, I thought he was going to kiss me on the lips and I didn't know how to react. I had kissed guys before, but it was so different. There was no emotion, as this, with anybody else I have ever met my whole life.

At that moment, he kissed my forehead and I smiled, then he just looked at me, his eyes full of excitement, it seemed. He gave me another Eskimo kiss and I giggled. It was as if I was a little girl. I felt as if I was a little girl, just a child, with a first crush. Another Eskimo kiss came, and our noses rubbed together... our lips touched ever so lightly, just a brush. Then he game me a real kiss.

It was like my first kiss all over. the way a first kiss should be. I had butterflies in my stomach and cold chills that ran down my spine and all over. Trickling out into my limbs. As cold as it was outside... I was warm. I think I could have literally collapsed in his arms. I have never kissed someone like that in my life. I have never held that much emotion inside me at one moment, before. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted my heart to feel like it was going to burst of excitement, fear, and happiness all together... forever.

I wanted this feeling inside me to last as long as it possibly could. As all these emotions were going through me, I recalled something he had said to me once, "you're really the kind of girl I can see myself with. If not for a long time, for forever."

If not for a long time, for forever.

Safety

After the laughter had subsided from both of us falling in a huge hole we kept walking. The dirt road ended at the entrance and exit of the sale. You could leave the sale, or go right and walk all the way back around the barn again, making a circle... or you could go left into this big field where they hold events like tractor pulls and I think they used to have some rodeos there too. We just stopped at the very end of the road and went to the side and stood in a grassy area.

My best friend and her beau was there also, walking with us. When we stopped we just stood there and talked about random things. First we were holding hands and then he would move closer and put his arm around me on the small of my back. He would make a joke towards me that would make everyone laugh. It never bothered me that he'd make fun of me. I like it when a guy picks on me, because it makes me laugh... and for some reason in this messed up world, when someone picks on you it means that they like you. I'll never understand that, but I love it. When I'd make a face at him for making fun of me he'd say, "just kidding, baby", laugh, and kiss me on the cheek.

Every guy that I have ever been with I say that it's always different, that this one could really be the one... that he makes me feel things I've never known before. Looking back on all that, I realize it was only different because I wanted it to be. I made myself feel these things for these guys that treated me badly. That used me, promised me things, and then left me. Never once have I felt safe. He promised that he wasn't like all the other guys, and I didn't want to trust him. I didn't want to believe him. I was happy in my own world, with my dating fast, believing that all guys were the same, and I would grow up and just be the cool aunt that never got married or had children. I have always had this feeling that, that is my destiny. Because, every time I have gotten in a "relationship" -I use that word lightly- something has happened. He has hurt me, used me, lied to me, cheated on me. Something has happened. Something has left me scarred and added another brick to my wall.

He promised me he'd never leave unless it's something I did to make him leave. He gave me hope that I could have something real, that everything I ever wanted wasn't just in my dreams... it could really become mine. To have and to hold. Chiseling away at my brick wall. One brick at a time...

While we stood there, in the grassy area.. it was so cold. Somehow we split off into couples.. my best friend and her beau.. then me and my soon-to-be-but-didn't-know-it-at-the-time beau. We just stood there and talked on and on about ridiculous nonchalant things that I can't even remember now.

As we stood there, he had his hands around my waist and I had my arms around his neck. I wouldn't look at him, because I was nervous. I have talked to a lot of guys but none of them have ever came to see me, none of them have ever really liked me and I knew for a fact that I had never had feelings like this before. I didn't want to look at him, because I knew I'd end up kissing him, and although I had kissed guys before, I didn't want to mess up. I didn't want to have to look him in the eyes... because I knew as soon as I did that he would be able to see into my soul and know my darkest secrets.

It came to my mind that earlier in the night I had made a mental note to look at his eyes. I knew what color they were and he had told me they were so dark they matched the pupil. I was still scared to look at him, because I didn't want him to see how happy I was, or the twinkle in my eye, I didn't want him to know that he had a hold on me the way he did. However, I couldn't take it. I had to look at him and he was right, his eyes were so dark brown they almost matched the pupil. I have always loved blue eyes and for some reason I was so shallow that if a guy didn't have blue eyes I wasn't even interested. But, I fell in love with his eyes. They were childlike when I looked into them, the thought of him being a kid ran through my mind and it made me smile. He asked what I was smiling at and I just said, "you." I kept looking into them and they weren't only childlike, they had a sparkle in them... a happiness, that made me fall even more. His eyes held a lot of emotion.

Looking into his eyes, seeing his smile, and feeling his arms around me, I was scared to even think the emotion that I had wanted to feel for so long. I was scared to let the word go across my mind. To let it out, to be this happy and to fall that fast.

"the way he held me, I knew that this could be... what I've been waiting to find."

The word went across my mind and etched itself into my memory, as scared as I was... I was going to step out, because fear would get you no where. I let the word pass again, and I leaned into him and he hugged me tighter, and it made the word come more alive in my head and a peace went through me, that I'd never felt before...

I felt safe.

Breaking the Ice

As we ventured on, hand in hand.. he explained how cold my hands were and wanted to know why I didn't put my hands in my coat pockets when I walked. I just told him I didn't, that there was no reason. What he didn't know was I kept them by my sides, just in case he wanted to take hold of my hand. I have come to realize a lot of times when a girl is around a boy that she has feelings for, there is a secret motive behind almost every move she makes. And sometimes, like this instance, it works.

We found my friends at a new food place they had set up outside the sale. They had just finished eating when we approached them. While we were standing there talking, he ran into someone that he knew and hadn't seen in what seemed like a while, from how they approached each other. As they stood there talking to each other, all I did was look at him.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have watched people. I observe their actions, the clothes they wear, the faces they make, the color of their hair, their eyes. I don't observe them to judge them, I observe them to study them. To see if they would be a person I would like to get to know. I was observing him because I wanted to remember this night forever. I wanted to remember what he looked like, the faces he made, the way he laughed, the color of his hair and eyes. I wanted to remember everything I possibly could about this man, and I couldn't bring myself to figure out why.

As they were talking I noticed how dark his hair really was. The darkest brown I had ever seen. It was shaggy, but not too long... just right, I thought to myself. I knew his eyes were brown, but I hadn't yet had a chance to really look into them. I made a mental note, to observe that when I gained the chance. He had on light colored jeans, tennis shoes, a light colored -what I think was Hollister- shirt, a black jacket, and a black hat. He stood with his hands in his pockets, talking to the man about cars or some other man thing that I will never come to understand.

In the middle of my observing, the man left with a joke and I saw him smile. I remember him smiling when he first climbed into the car but it wasn't a smile.. it was more like a smirk. This smile, as the man left, was a real smile.. with his teeth visible.

I'll never forget, as we walked on down away from the barn, the dirt road had places washed out from rain. I caught from the corner of my eye that he was staring at me but I payed him no attention... I just kept walking, hand in hand. While he was staring at me, he slipped off into one of the washed out places of the road and I laughed so hard. As, I was laughing he got on the other side of me so he wouldn't fall in it again. Just my luck, I was laughing at him for falling into the rut and I fell right in when he got on the other side of me. It made everything seem lighter. It let us both know that no matter how we were trying to act for each other, we are both human and then and now and later, we are going to mess up. It broke the ice, and I'm actually thankful, for once in my life, that I slid off into that washed out place.

First Encounter

I saw the headlights of his dad's truck, just like he told me I'd see. It was my sign of knowing where he lived. My friends and I had agreed to go pick him up so I could see him. Actually be with him... for the first time ever. That night, I was more nervous about seeing him, that we would actually meet than anything in my life. I had come this close to meeting guys I had met online so many times before. This had never happened. I had never met anyone in person, like this.

I saw him walk through the little patch of woods that separated his house from the road. I couldn't see his face yet, just his silhouette. I felt everything inside of me falling into place. Still a fear, of what he would actually think of me lingering in the back of my mind. He had seen my pictures. He had heard my voice. He had gotten to know me, and I him, without seeing each other. Grown feelings for each other without actually being together. My first thought when I realized tonight would be the night I met him was, in real life, I look so different than my pictures. What would he really think?

When he opened the door to the car I could feel the cold air from the winter night hit me. My best friend said hi to him as he climbed inside. He just looked at me and smiled. I couldn't see his face very well, only because it was dark. I could see outlines and shadows from where streetlights and moonlight would hit his face as we drove back to our destination, the horse sale.

When we arrived, my best friend and her beau decided they were going to venture off and find something to eat. She told me to behave and we departed. We walked around the building to the barn. It was strange at first. I felt like I had known him my whole life and could talk to him about anything, and I didn't like the feeling of being so vulnerable. I had been hurt and scarred too much to be this excited. I had these invisible walls built up that he was tearing down, one brick at a time. He made it feel so easy to just be me.

I never thought, once he met me, that he'd want to hold my hand or really have feelings for me at all anymore.. but as we were walking back to the front of the building to catch up with my best friend, he reached for my hand. I gladly accepted.

I have held hands with many guys in my life. However, this was the very first time in my whole life I had ever held hands with someone I had so many feelings for. When our hands touch I felt a shock go up my arm and too my heart. Resulting in a smile on my face.